Originally named Nashville due to all the incest, Gympie took its current name not from BDSM enthusiasts or cripples as one might assume

Originally named Nashville due to all the incest, Gympie took its current name not from BDSM enthusiasts or cripples as one might assume,

but from the world’s most horrible plant. The gympie is a stinging tree covered in toxic needles, also known as the stinging brush or the suicide plant. Legend has it that an Australian World War II soldier shot himself after inadvertently using a gympie leaf as toilet paper. Like its botanic namesake, the town of Gympie is also dangerous, covered in needles and smeared with faeces.

The Queensland craphole owes its existence to the discovery of gold in the local area, which saw the town swiftly filled with the sort of reprobates who would travel the world to stand in bollocks-deep water trying to find a shiny nugget just so they wouldn’t have to find a real job. The gold rush also marked the only time in history that anyone has ever been excited to visit Gympie. Consequently, Gympie is known as ‘the town that saved Queensland’, so we have them to thank for maroon-clad meatheads pissed up on XXXX coward punching strangers while yelling ‘Queenslander!’

Like most places in Australia not sophisticated enough for a heroin problem, Gympie is a deadset mecca for meth. In fact, it’s a little-known fact that the town’s name is an acronym for ‘Grab Ya Meth Pipe, Ice Everywhere!’ Gympanzees are also famously partial to a bit of cannabis, hooning, burglary, racism, and putting people through wood chippers. The town’s reputation for crime is so widespread that it has become known as ‘Helltown’ (though in true Gympie style, this term was coined by a convicted paedophile writing in a porno mag).

Gymphole has a range of visitor attractions, all of which are shit. The Valley Rattler is an inefficient old tourist train that gives a great view of rubbish tips and car wrecker’s yards, and is also the name of a violent love-making manoeuvre. The Gympie Pyramid is a terraced hill touted by the intellectually challenged as evidence of ancient Egyptian/Aztec/alien colonisation, and is also the name of a violent love-making manoeuvre. The Big Pineapple was demolished in 2008 when authorities realised that no one in Gympie eats fruit, and was replaced by Australia’s only giant revolving KFC bucket. Enjoying your time in Gympie is about as likely as Pauline Hanson opening a kebab shop.

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